Not so Random thoughts…

As I sit in our house alone, I can’t help thinking how empty the house feels, how lonely I am. It has only gotten worse since we moved in together, which I dont regret at all. For those who dont know, Bear works away for a week and is home for a week. So I basically live alone half the time.

A friend recently asked me how he talks to his boyfriend about wanting kids. How to bring it up. He expressed how he feels as though something is missing in his life, that kids will fill that void. It made me think about what I feel is missing, if anything, from my relationship. I’ve always had it together, known what I wanted from day one. My “timeline” is planned out to the t. I know when i would ideally like to be married, have established career, and have children. Bear… well his timeline is still being molded. We had an issue with this difference about 2 years ago. He felt as though he wasnt able to choose his own path, that someone had always been doing it for him. He wanted to “take a break” to figure out what he needed. That break lasted 2 hours lol, which was heartbreaking for me. I just felt a little betrayed and lost. He explained that I always have it together and know what I want, but he felt as though he hadn’t been given that chance. Because of this fear that he s going to do this again… which would result in the end out of our relationship. I dont like to be played with. I just feel like im stepping on eggshells sometimes and I’m afraid to tell him how I feel. I’m almost out of this rut thanks to my conscience telling me to buck up and be the person I am, not some quiet mouthed pushover. But there is still the factor that I dont want to offend, or cause a situation that costs more to get out of that keeping my mouth shut, or wording it in a more “friendly” manner.

Now not many of you know this, but I’m only 22. I consider myself mature for my age, and an old soul. So it’s not like there is soo much pressure for me to be married and have children… we dont live in the 40′s anymore. But I still want that. I find myself jealous of those in Bear (23yrs) and my graduating classes who are married and starting families. I know Bear isn’t ready. It took almost 5 years before he was ready to move in together and even that was forced and not necessarily a choice. I know I shouldnt push him, and that we have plenty of time. We have already established that we will be married and spending the rest of our lives together… I guess I’m just being impatient. It’s not like Bear and I dont have a life together… we have so many “firsts” together it’s almost poetic. I’m just ready for more.

Also, I guess I should mention that for me marriage is about the ultimate commitment and possession. I dont see marriage as a religious institution, and although I’m baptized catholic, (Bear is as well), we dont practice. I just feel as though once he proposes he is making that ultimate commitment. I know that it seems silly that I need a ring and a piece of paper to confirm that he is mine, but in the back of my mind, there is always that fear that nothing is binding him to me but our love… which can fade.

I dont want to think about it anymore, it’s depressing. lol This isn’t supposed to be a “pity Goldi” blog session… I’m just thinking through typing.