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Form Spring! – Naughty Questionnaire 04-19

April 19, 2012

Form Spring Question:

Whom do you know and see in real life that you fantasize about the most, though due to circumstances or relationships you may never fulfill that dream?


This is a tough question for me. I have been putting off answering it since the good Dr. posted it. Mostly because the only person I can think about it someone whom I havent spoken to in over a year. Although I do find him crossing my mind every so often. This person is a sore spot between Bear and myself because he almost destroyed our relationship before it even began. I wasnt going to answer this question, because it brings back painful memories, but I thought, what the hell. I should be free to answer any question my followers throw at me.

So here is the semi short version:

We grew up next to one another in my home town. Our parents still live in the same houses and I need to pass his parents house in order to get to my own, so I often find myself looking up the driveway to see if his truck is there. Anyways, I digress. Our Father’s used to make us race around the houses lol I kicked his ass every time! Around, I’d said age 11, we started to actually notice one another  as more than just the neighbor boy/girl. A crush slowly but surely developed. We used to go for walks together, and hold hands. Then grade 7 he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wasnt allowed to date, so I told him he could wait a year if he really wanted it. — And he did.

I’m not sure if I got tired of him, or what, but he was not my first boy friend. Actually we never made our relationship ‘official’ like that. I dated two boys before we eventually started what became an extremely physical relationship, after my birthday in grade 10. I’m not sure what prompted me to either use him, or allow him to use me the way we did, but it felt amazing! And I very much enjoyed myself. This lasted about 4 months, then we each moved on into relationships and I thought it was over.

Grade 11 I met Bear. I knew who he was, but for some reason, maybe because he was a grade above me, or I never paid attention, I hadn’t noticed him before. He was the only guy in grade 12 who had facial hair. I thought he was so cute. Semi long curly brown hair, and a goatee with a tinge of red. To be honest I dont even remember how we started talking. Could have been either his crowd or mine who prompted the convo, doesn’t really matter lol. But we started talking and I borrowed his sweater and we flirted, you know, high school lol. He also had a truck. A beautiful blue truck. He asked me if I was interested in going for lunch with him one day, I said yes. We ate in the truck on the river front and he brought me back to the school before lunch was over so I wasnt late for class. Bear was so sweet, and innocent. I really enjoyed being around him.

In between hanging out with Bear and school, I still was afflicted by who my Mother calls, “The neighbor boy”. Seems fitting really lol. Anyways we were still keeping in touch. Both of our previous relationships had fallen apart, and for some reason we always gravitated to each other for support. He was the one who told me to get involved with Bear, test it out and see where it could go. NB knew I was still hurting from my prior prick of a boyfriend. So I listened.

Bear and I went out to dinner at the fanciest place in town and chatted about everything from our previous relationships to sex and lacrosse lol It was a wonderful first date. He picked me up and kissed me good night before he dropped me off at home. I really enjoyed myself and continued to see Bear.

I’m not sure what made me do this next thing, or if it was inevitable and needed to get itself out-of-the-way, but before Bear and I actually became serious I slept with NB. In retrospect I kinda regret what I did, but only the setting and the people who were involved, because that should never have been. But I dont regret the actual sex part, which really didn’t live up to his reputation lol. I think that it would have happened anyways, and it was better that it happened before Bear and I became serious than later.

I didn’t tell Bear right away because I didn’t think it was relevant. We hadn’t established that we were a couple, so I didn’t, and still dont classify it as cheating or anything near that. Bear and I had been on two dates and other than that flirted at the school. (For the record, I was never engaging in sexual anything with both Bear and NB in the same time period.)

It was a year after we had started dating that I felt as though Bear needed to know that this had happened. He was rocked to the core. I’m still not completely positive why, but I think I understand his hurt and minor betrayal. We have since crossed over that hurdle and  the incident is never spoken of, because it doesn’t matter. We have both done and said stupid shit, but we know and have established that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. He wont admit it but we have also discussed names for our future children lol

Bear and I will be celebrating 5 years together next month and I couldn’t be a more happy girl. I am secretly hoping he will propose by the end of the year. *blush*

Back to the answer to the question though: It’s not a dream that I wish could happen, or desire or fantasy, however you want to put it. I just knew a different side of NB than anyone else. I knew him as a real person, not the prick act he put on for everyone else. I miss our conversations about nothingness, and his moral support in everything I did or wanted to do. I miss my friend. I know that within time I’ll forget about him and that is fine, because he is someone I would sacrifice a million times over if that meant I could spend the rest of my life with Bear. I just wish sometimes that they didn’t butt heads and hate one another and I could have them both.




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