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Man of my dreams? – Check!

April 17, 2011

So while snooping through all of the blogs on WordPress, and trying to find something to inspire my next post I ran across Love & The Single Girl‘s blog. After taking some time to read through what the obviously talented writer had to say I found myself clicking on the subscribe button at the top of my screen. Then one of her posts inspired me to write this.

If you take the time to read her post (link provided above) before reading this post, it will make more sense.

So I guess my post begins with:

Man- Check

Lover- Check

Laughter- Check

Romance- Check

Comfort- Check

Safety-Check

Great Sex- Check

These are the main things on my list, for the ideal man. Big Bear is, to me, gorgeous not only because of his beautifully shaped lips, and his smooth hands, but also because of how perfectly we fit together. Some would say, because he is on the chunky side (which does NOT bother me at al) and he has chest hair that he is not attractive, but more a neanderthals than anything. And to those people I say, FUCK OFF! You don’t know this man who I have fallen in love with. You don’t know how he makes me laugh, and knows exactly when I need comfort vs harsh reality. He is in all honesty my best friend. I tell him everything and anything I need to get off my chest, and I know he does the same with me.

Big Bear and I have been together for almost four years. Our relationship started out as sex. And to be perfectly honest I was content with it staying that way. But something in him, changed me. He is the most giving man I know, growing up with His Mum and two Sisters (Dad worked away a lot) he as taught, not only to take care of the women in his life, but love and cherish them, listen to what they have to say and do not let them take advantage of him.

I think that he grew into a fine man, and I am thankful to have him in my life. Back in October, we ran into a rough patch, which is expected with a relationship that began in highschool. Both of us were trying to figure out where we wanted out lives to go, and fortunately for me I was already on that path. A path which included him. Bear; however, was hesitant on what exactly his ‘life plan’ was, and in his mind, the way for him to figure that out was for Me to give him some space. This broke my heart. I didn’t understand why his figuring things out, needed to involve us essentially taking a break. But i understood what he was trying to do. Before agreeing to this whole charade, I asked him a series of questions:

1. Do you love me?

2. Do you want us to stay together/get back together?

3. Is this about sex?

His answer to each question: of course, very much so, and not at all… These answers party mended my heart back together. By answering these I was able to determine that he was having an inner problem that, thank god, has virtually nothing to do with our relationship. I then asked him why this was coming up now, because I thought we were fine. He said that he was scared that we, as a coupe, were moving too fast. Previous conversations about marriage and children were freaking him out. Big Bear, as previously mentioned, was always taught to love and take care of the women in his life. And because he was, at the time and now, second guessing his job, to talk about marriage and kids was, and still is, frightening for him. The thought of not being able to take care of and provide for his family is not ok with Bear . Now something you need to understand about myself: I am extremely strong-willed, I have always known what I want, and I always go for it. I am an extremely put together woman and I am very independent. So I can see why in this type of situation Bear had a very hard time actually voicing his concern, maybe for fear I wouldn’t understand? I’m not sure. Needless to say we are ok, and working through issues that obviously are on going, but nothing we can’t handle. In closing for our relationship conversation, Bear wanted to know if it would be ok with me if we just gave each other some space for a while. He was going back on shift for a week, and wanted to be able to figure everything out, without me fearing that I would, a) never see him again, and b) we would not get back together. For his consideration I am thankful. Although I think he could have gone about the situation in a completely different way is irrelevant, because if he did he wouldn’t be my Bear. I said that because he had specified exactly what he needed to do in order to continue our relationship that yes, it was ok with me. There were tears on both our sides, but my heart was slowing being sewn back together. Before Bear left my apartment, he told me that the reason he was bringing all of this up now, was because he didn’t want to have this conversation 5 yrs down the road, when we were already married and had children. With these words I knew our fate was sealed. He was coming back to me, he just needed to figure out his side of the yin yang before he could.

After Bear left I went back to my homework, and ended up getting a text about 60 mins later. It was Bear.

Bear: What are you up to?

Me: Homework, and yourself?

Bear: Just finished eating supper. My tummy hurts. How is homework?

Me: Its ok.

Bear: I cant do this
(my heart drops)
Me: What do you mean?

Bear: I miss you too much

Me: I miss you too– but before I could send that message I got cut off with another text

Bear: Can I come over?

Me: Of course.

In about 15 mins my doorbell rings and Bear is walking in, tears free-flowing down his face. All he kept saying was “I’m so sorry” We just stood in the entry way hugging. After sitting down and letting him say his peace I explained to him that what he did, really hurt me and this was not a game. We could figure everything out together, but instead of all of a sudden wanting to take a break, he needed to better communicate with me about what was going on in his head, so stupid problems could be quickly resolved and disposed of. We agreed that as a couple we had things to work on and individually we did as well.

To this day, my heart hurts when I think about it. And Bear frequently tells me how much he loves me and sometimes even mentions marriage and children. Right now our relationship is perfect for us. He is after all only 22 and I am 21. So it’s not like we don’t have the rest of our lives to spend together.

I guess to get back on the point of the ideal man: Even though Bear was having issues, and could have been more clear about what he needed from me, he was smart enough to communicate this to me in a better way that breaking up and trying to get back together. I feel as though our relationship is stronger now that it was before, because not only do we comfort, love, respect and cherish one another, we also don’t deal with the others bullshit. We communicate when something is bothering us and we have fun with each other.

So I guess in closing my ideal man is Bear because
– He makes me laugh, when I want to cry or punch something.
– He tells me how is it when I need to hear it, and doesn’t let me get away with things I shouldnt.
– I can be exactly who I am around him, and he expects nothing less.
– I can tell him all my secrets and he will never judge me.
– I still get butterflies when I see a txt message with his name on it, and when I tell him that he still blushes.
– I feel safe and wanted when with him, or without.
– We are both individuals within a relationship, we are both important to one another both as a couple and individuals, and he never lets me forget it.
– And as you can figure out, sex is a big part of my life, I firmly believe you need to test whats under the hood before you buy it, and well, lets just say I have a hemi and I know how to tune it just right ;)

I love you My Big Bear xox

2 Comments leave one →
  1. The Single Girl permalink
    April 18, 2011 5:28 am

    Bautiful post :) And thanks for the shout out, your bear and you sound perfect for each other!

    • April 18, 2011 11:26 am

      Thanks Single Girl!
      And you have been honoured with the first comment on my blog… I was so excited when I saw that someone had commented lol it was nice to see that person was you :)

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